Don’t give up on us: a message to social workers from former child in care

Jenny Molloy’s childhood was brutal and frightening. Raised by parents who were addicts, with a mum in and out of prison, at nine years old she finally found the strength to leave, taking her two siblings with her.

Jenny remembers how her social worker stuck by her, no matter what. 

She says that this ability to stay with the trauma experienced by a child, to walk with that child through the most difficult days, is what might set them on a different path. 

And that is how life turned out for Jenny, now a mother, a grandmother, a successful author, trainer and patron of a women and children’s charity.

Speaking to an online audience of more than 1,500 professionals at a Social Work Week webinar hosted by Social Work England and Community Care Inform Jenny says: “You know, they never gave up, right?

“When my first book, Hackney Child, came out, I tried to find my childhood social worker, Anne, and I did find her.

“I’ve had the privilege of being able to discuss what our relationship was like, and it shows how different perceptions can be.

“What I remember, as a teenager, was screaming and shouting and swearing when times were really difficult.

“Decisions were made that I didn't agree with or couldn't cope with. 

“I would get particularly upset and angry when I knew that Anne had been to see my mum and dad at home. I didn't want her to go around to the house, because I knew my mum was going to be abusive towards her. 

“But Anne never shied away from it. 

“Mum had grown up in care herself, and she'd had some terrible stuff happen to her.

“I never saw that, but my social worker did, and she forgave my mum, over and over.

“I get it now. I get where her forgiveness came from, because what she saw was a traumatised woman who wanted to parent her children, but actually just could not do it.

“At the time, though, when Anne would go round there, I blamed myself and thought that my social worker was really angry with me.

“But when I spoke to her about it years later, she said, ‘No way. My reflections were more, ‘How can I deal with that better as Jenny’s social worker, how can I deliver that to Jenny without upsetting her so much?’ 

“So it's so important for you to say to your children and young people that you are not upset with us, you're not angry with us, you don't dislike us.”

This need, Jenny explains, comes from the deep self-loathing children who have experienced neglect or abuse can harbour.

“I thought that you thought I was disgusting. I really did,” she says.

“I thought that you looked at me and you could see what I thought about myself.

“But you didn't. And you always came back.”

Jenny remembers how important it was to get constant reassurance from her social worker. This was apparent from the very first moment she felt safe, when she literally clung to the skirt of the duty worker who turned up at the police station the night she fled there with her brothers, begging to be taken into care.

It was the first contact with professionals who would come in and out of Jenny’s life as she progressed through the care system and into adulthood.

And although she remembers her time in her first children’s home, especially, as positive, and says she never experienced abuse whilst in their care, there were always attachment issues.

“I was always really scared when my social worker went to leave,” Jenny remembers.

“I would challenge her, because it panicked the life out of me – I always thought she wouldn't come back. 

“Once, when my social worker was going on holiday, I asked her very strongly to send me a postcard. 

“And she did. She sent me postcards, and she would always come back.”

Jenny’s main message from these experiences is not to be afraid about expressing the bond you form with the children and young people in your care. 

 “Don't give up on us,” Jenny says, “and let us know that you like us or that you love us. 

“Don't let that professional love you have for us [be boundaried]. We need to hear about it.”

Young people in care also need to be given space and the occasional words of wisdom, Jenny says, because they are having to process so many complex emotions against a backdrop of trauma.

“What I really needed was space and time,” Jenny says. “Sometimes I needed five minutes. Sometimes I needed an hour to be able to kind of work out what my story was.

“Because, actually I had no idea. I did not have a clear, coherent narrative in my mind.

“I saw sex work as normalised. I saw violence as completely normal.

“I had no experience of any relationships at all as a child, before going into care, that were not violent in some way or another.

“And so, it's important to talk to a child, even if for five minutes, just to raise anything that you have seen. You can just give some words of wisdom.

“I couldn't take going to therapy, I couldn't do it. But that doesn't mean that the children's social workers or foster carers can't do it – because you can.”

Children talk on car journeys, Jenny observes, providing social workers with a golden opportunity to encourage them to open up.

“Always get the kids in the car because we talk and talk and talk.

“I do it with my own kids. I found out my daughter was pregnant in the car.

“And if children and young people will accept therapy – I mean, you're never going to get it because CAMHS is just completely inaccessible – but if you are one of the lucky local authorities that has a therapeutic team, then do it.

“I hear constantly that we cannot offer trauma therapy to children, young people, until they are stable. But that's never going to happen, because the trauma kept me unstable every single day, every single night. 

“I believe it's a narrative created by the gatekeepers – there is never going to be the best time to do it, and if we need clinical support, then you should get us clinical support. 

“Anybody working with children and young people has to be working therapeutically through the lens of trauma, otherwise you're never going to see the real child or be able to see what they need when they need it.”

Jenny is never afraid to express her love for her social workers and hopes to leave them with the understanding that it’s okay for them to express their love, too.

“I loved my social workers. I had one social worker for seven years, from nine to 16, and I had my second social work for two years, who's always been in my life.

“I do not underestimate the positive impact those two relationships had on me, being able to be successful as an adult. It has been difficult and has had massive challenges, but actually, I've done all right.

“I've got two kids who are absolutely amazing individuals, who are positive members of society, who have no addictions, no social services involvement, have beautiful children themselves, and who are really great, successful parents.

“I am so blessed because without being taken into care, I wouldn't have had that.”